Nicki Minaj and Beach Bodies

So it’s currently summer time in Southern Ontario, which means you’re ready to show off your beach body while listening to Nicki Minaj sing about going to the beach and being financially irresponsible, by blowing all her money and not giving two shits. Don’t do the latter – pay your rent and and don’t spend all your money today, even if it is pay-day. Pay off your loans, contribute to your TFSA and put a little away for that trip you want to take! (I have this unhealthy urge to provide everyone with unsolicited financial advice, so please, indulge me and at least consider some of this advice before your eyes roll out of your head).

Why don’t pop artists ever sing about financial responsibility and how to save properly for the future? I have even taken the liberty to suggest modified lyrics to Starships, as shown below (this was really stretching my artistic capabilities):

Let’s go to the beach, each
Let’s go and save, save
They say, max out your TFSA?
Have a drink, clink, found the bud light
Financially responsible young adults like me, is hard to come by
The Patrón, own, let’s go get it on
The zone, own, yes I’m in the zone
Is it two, three, leave a good tip
I’ma save all my money, compound interest is the shit.

At this point, you might be thinking “Dear Lord, what did I just read. And what if I don’t have a beach body, Lucy?  Is this entire post going to be a lecture on financial responsibility?” Have no fear, my dear reader, as all of these questions will be answered shortly. I went to Elora Quarry today (a beach about 30 mins north of Waterloo), and have decided to pass on the nuggets of wisdom I have accumulated from this trip, onto you! All of the advice from this point onward relates to the beach and not to your TFSA (please contact me separately for advice regarding your TFSA).

Step 1: Pack enough towels

We did not pack enough towels. I would recommend bringing two towels per person ( (one to sit on, and one to dry yourself with). We brought 3.5 towels for 5 people (the little towel below being the 1/2 of a towel due to its size), although only two of us went into the water so it was (somewhat) manageable.

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We just don’t own a lot of towels, as a group. 1.5/3.5 towels shown above….unsure if the little towel is someone’s hand towel from their bathroom.

Step 2: Pack snacks and water (and other things) 

I was the trip mom, supplying an extra towel, sunscreen, and snacks for my friends. Snacks and water are essential. Relatedly, I would also recommend hand sanitiser so you can clean your hands before eating the snacks. We obviously neglected to pack this, so learn from our foolish mistakes.

Other things to pack (that we didn’t pack because we don’t actually own any of these things) include lawn chairs, floaties, and a mini grill. Basically, bring the luxuries you experience at home, such as being able to sit comfortably in an upright position while eating hot food, to the beach. Everyone around you will become very envious at how well prepared you are. They will exclaim, “Holy moly, look at how well prepared that group is. It’s like they moved their entire house to the beach!” And you can respond with “Oh thanks! We’re so well prepared because we read this blog about how to have a successful beach day, called ‘Lucy Blogs About Beauty’. You should check her out!”

On that note, we were actually quite envious of the group beside us because they had a barbecue and cooked hamburgers on it! We contemplated flirting with them to obtain hamburgers, but we didn’t end up flirting with them or obtaining hamburgers. I mean, if we did, we probably would’ve cleared out their entire hamburger inventory, with our smoldering good looks and muscular muscles. At one point actually, when we were all sitting on our towels, my friends kept flexing their muscles and asking me to do the same. This happened last night as well when we were playing Drunken Towers (basically, Jenga turned into a drinking game). I’m nervous that this is going to become a social trend. First there was planking, then dabbing, and now flexing.

Step 3: Obtain beach body

You’re probably thinking now, “Ahh finally, onto the good stuff! She’s stopped telling us the obvious shit, like bring towels!” Fortunately, it’s pretty easy to obtain a beach body. You simply bring your body to the beach, resulting in you having a beach body! If you’re still a bit confused about this, here’s an illustration:

Beach Body

That’s a floatie around your beach body, for optimal relaxation.

Step 4: Let your friends treat you to a spa day, at the beach

My friends decided to turn the beach into a spa. I was their one and only customer.

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My beach body being exfoliated by my friend Giselle, who repeatedly yelled “STOP MOVING!” It certainly did not feel very relaxing.

Side note: My friend Giselle really wanted to be included in a blog post so without further ado, here is a collage that I made, of Giselle.

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Giselle, please don’t kill me upon seeing this. I didn’t choose the most embarrassing pictures of you.

Anyways, going back to the spa treatment now…it’s facial time!

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Claudia did not want her face or belly button to be exposed.

The above picture was taken after I received my facial from Claudia. She poked me in the face several times, at what she claimed to be various pressure points. However, I have some serious doubts about Claudia’s knowledge in pressure points. Also, my neck and chin have apparently merged into one (it’s a new look that I’m trying).

Step 5: Bid farewell to the beach and eat burgers 

After staying for a few hours, we were feeling pretty tired. We drove back to Waterloo and ate burgers. It was a great end to a beach day.

That’s it for today, thanks for reading, friends! I hope you found this post amusing and informative.

 

 

 

 

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A Day in the Life of a (Satirical) Beauty Blogger

Hello readers!

I’ve decided to do something a little different with this post…instead of reviewing unique beauty products that I have acquired from friends, such as wax ears, I will be writing about a day in the life of a beauty blogger! The special day I am writing about is Sunday, July 24th, 2016, to be precise.

Morning: Wake up in the morning, feeling like P-Diddy  quite groggy, around 9:00 am. My parents came up to visit me for half the day (with groceries!), so I had to set an alarm, because I was afraid I would over-sleep otherwise.  Brushed my teeth, used the toilet, ate breakfast, changed out of my pajamas and did other typical morning things.

Late Lunch (~2:30 pm): I ate udon noodles with a Chinese vegetable that I don’t know the name of in English. It’s a leafy green vegetable with some purple on it (someone help a sister out please?). My parents then left Waterloo, to drive back home while I continued eating noodles. I’m pretty sure I ate a croissant after the noodles as well because of how late this lunch was.

Afternoon: Spent a few hours in the afternoon writing a take home, international tax exam. I submitted it later that night because at that point, I had spent about 12 hours on it over the past three days, was ready to be done with it. After reading the past three paragraphs, I have come to the realization that my life isn’t incredibly exciting. You have probably also come to the very same realization.

Evening: Ah now onto the exciting part of the day! My friend, Stephanie Lau, had a free Menchies coupon that entitled her to one, free small bowl of frozen yogurt and assorted toppings. So we went HAM and piled up the small bowl. To make an informed froyo decision, I had to sample all of the flavours at Menchies, but almost every time I tried using the sample cup (probably about the size of the top half of your thumb but a bit wider…those tiny paper cups you make jello shots in), way too much froyo would come out of the machine and it would be a froyo mess. One of the many trials and tribulations of getting frozen yogurt at Menchies. And this was only Part I of the great froyo struggle. 

Part II of the great froyo struggle: Steph and I like different flavours of froyo. I like the fruity flavours at Menchies, while Steph enjoys weird shit like “tart” (seriously, what the hell is tart). We had to segregate these flavours in the bowl, which apparently became a two-person job. One of us pulled down on the lever that dispensed the froyo while the other was in charge of bowl rotation. Once we got this sorted out, we put on a whole variety of tasty toppings from strawberries to a Nanaimo bar. I think if we tried putting on anything else, it would have just fallen out of the bowl…

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Free frozen yogurt has never tasted so good (although this was the first time I ate free froyo though, so not much of a comparison can be made…)

Nighttime: Once we finished the frozen yogurt, we walked back to Steph’s apartment for some serious nail art action. She painted corgis on my nails!!!!! But later that evening, despite my best efforts, I managed to smudge two corgis 😦

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Still considering hand-modeling. The pinky and thumb have a paw-print design on them while the rest of them are corgi faces! 

Then I got really giddy (maybe it was because of all the blue raspberry froyo I ate) and insisted on trying to do Steph’s makeup. She was not impressed.

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Lipstick is hard to put on other people. I swear I can put it on my own face perfectly fine. 

Not shown above (unfortunately): I was using Steph’s eyebrow pencil. She already has eyebrows so I tried giving her a unibrow because I didn’t know what else to do. And about 1/3 of the way in, Steph realised what I was doing, recoiled in fear and did not let me finish. She got a little upset, so I asked, “what about a mustache?” You can probably guess what her answer was.

Before leaving, I got to choose between two soaps to take back home with me (Steph also told me to take an eyebrow pencil but I politely informed her that I already had eyebrows). It took me ten minutes to decide between these two scents: energizing lime or strawberry vanilla. So did I want to smell like a Mojito or strawberry shortcake?  I wanted to smell like a Mojito. But it was not an easy decision. It took an entire ten minutes to decide because I am very indecisive.

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I kept unscrewing the caps to smell them. 

Sleep: After choosing between the two soaps, I walked back to my apartment, showered, brushed my teeth, flossed (dental hygiene is very important and I take pride in the fact that I floss daily),  and went to bed.

And that wraps up my day! The first half really was not relevant to being a beauty blogger at all…in fact, if you are serious about beauty blogging, I advise against taking International Tax (ACC 610) as it was a huge time suck and a poorly organized course. And it contained no helpful tips about beauty blogging whatsoever. But do make time to see your parents, even if you are busy with beauty blogging. Especially if they bring you groceries.

So despite my current beauty blogging success, I still lead a pretty normal student life. After all, I’m no hero. I put my bra on, one boob at a time, like everyone else.