Nicki Minaj and Beach Bodies

So it’s currently summer time in Southern Ontario, which means you’re ready to show off your beach body while listening to Nicki Minaj sing about going to the beach and being financially irresponsible, by blowing all her money and not giving two shits. Don’t do the latter – pay your rent and and don’t spend all your money today, even if it is pay-day. Pay off your loans, contribute to your TFSA and put a little away for that trip you want to take! (I have this unhealthy urge to provide everyone with unsolicited financial advice, so please, indulge me and at least consider some of this advice before your eyes roll out of your head).

Why don’t pop artists ever sing about financial responsibility and how to save properly for the future? I have even taken the liberty to suggest modified lyrics to Starships, as shown below (this was really stretching my artistic capabilities):

Let’s go to the beach, each
Let’s go and save, save
They say, max out your TFSA?
Have a drink, clink, found the bud light
Financially responsible young adults like me, is hard to come by
The Patrón, own, let’s go get it on
The zone, own, yes I’m in the zone
Is it two, three, leave a good tip
I’ma save all my money, compound interest is the shit.

At this point, you might be thinking “Dear Lord, what did I just read. And what if I don’t have a beach body, Lucy?  Is this entire post going to be a lecture on financial responsibility?” Have no fear, my dear reader, as all of these questions will be answered shortly. I went to Elora Quarry today (a beach about 30 mins north of Waterloo), and have decided to pass on the nuggets of wisdom I have accumulated from this trip, onto you! All of the advice from this point onward relates to the beach and not to your TFSA (please contact me separately for advice regarding your TFSA).

Step 1: Pack enough towels

We did not pack enough towels. I would recommend bringing two towels per person ( (one to sit on, and one to dry yourself with). We brought 3.5 towels for 5 people (the little towel below being the 1/2 of a towel due to its size), although only two of us went into the water so it was (somewhat) manageable.

14037783_10157396417600455_9949292_o

We just don’t own a lot of towels, as a group. 1.5/3.5 towels shown above….unsure if the little towel is someone’s hand towel from their bathroom.

Step 2: Pack snacks and water (and other things) 

I was the trip mom, supplying an extra towel, sunscreen, and snacks for my friends. Snacks and water are essential. Relatedly, I would also recommend hand sanitiser so you can clean your hands before eating the snacks. We obviously neglected to pack this, so learn from our foolish mistakes.

Other things to pack (that we didn’t pack because we don’t actually own any of these things) include lawn chairs, floaties, and a mini grill. Basically, bring the luxuries you experience at home, such as being able to sit comfortably in an upright position while eating hot food, to the beach. Everyone around you will become very envious at how well prepared you are. They will exclaim, “Holy moly, look at how well prepared that group is. It’s like they moved their entire house to the beach!” And you can respond with “Oh thanks! We’re so well prepared because we read this blog about how to have a successful beach day, called ‘Lucy Blogs About Beauty’. You should check her out!”

On that note, we were actually quite envious of the group beside us because they had a barbecue and cooked hamburgers on it! We contemplated flirting with them to obtain hamburgers, but we didn’t end up flirting with them or obtaining hamburgers. I mean, if we did, we probably would’ve cleared out their entire hamburger inventory, with our smoldering good looks and muscular muscles. At one point actually, when we were all sitting on our towels, my friends kept flexing their muscles and asking me to do the same. This happened last night as well when we were playing Drunken Towers (basically, Jenga turned into a drinking game). I’m nervous that this is going to become a social trend. First there was planking, then dabbing, and now flexing.

Step 3: Obtain beach body

You’re probably thinking now, “Ahh finally, onto the good stuff! She’s stopped telling us the obvious shit, like bring towels!” Fortunately, it’s pretty easy to obtain a beach body. You simply bring your body to the beach, resulting in you having a beach body! If you’re still a bit confused about this, here’s an illustration:

Beach Body

That’s a floatie around your beach body, for optimal relaxation.

Step 4: Let your friends treat you to a spa day, at the beach

My friends decided to turn the beach into a spa. I was their one and only customer.

14012461_10157208807680543_1552382971_o.jpg

My beach body being exfoliated by my friend Giselle, who repeatedly yelled “STOP MOVING!” It certainly did not feel very relaxing.

Side note: My friend Giselle really wanted to be included in a blog post so without further ado, here is a collage that I made, of Giselle.

Giselle.png

Giselle, please don’t kill me upon seeing this. I didn’t choose the most embarrassing pictures of you.

Anyways, going back to the spa treatment now…it’s facial time!

Claudia modified.png

Claudia did not want her face or belly button to be exposed.

The above picture was taken after I received my facial from Claudia. She poked me in the face several times, at what she claimed to be various pressure points. However, I have some serious doubts about Claudia’s knowledge in pressure points. Also, my neck and chin have apparently merged into one (it’s a new look that I’m trying).

Step 5: Bid farewell to the beach and eat burgers 

After staying for a few hours, we were feeling pretty tired. We drove back to Waterloo and ate burgers. It was a great end to a beach day.

That’s it for today, thanks for reading, friends! I hope you found this post amusing and informative.

 

 

 

 

Advertisements